Still feeling good and optimistic. The days here have been beautiful and sunny, I have spent a lot of them reading, relaxing and walking (apart from today when I cleaned the house from top to bloody bottom), I’m working my way through Annie Grace’s the Naked mind but I prefer books like the sober diaries, the unexpected joy of being sober, Mrs D is going without, Sober is the new black etc, I tend to read these more throughly and not zone out as much.
Now that I have finished cleaning (thank God) I am going to take the dog for a walk and then plonk myself in the sunshine in the back garden, hubby has taken the kids out for the day so I am a free women for 2 more hours (only – sigh).
Day 2 is always a good day isn’t it, you feel a new sense of hope, you feel a million times better than day 1 and life just feels better in general – long may it last.
I had a lovely day 2 today, I met a friend for brunch, I had a pedicure – nice bright pink for the summer, I brought a small sparkly notebook that I am going to fill with things to do instead of drink and inspirational quotes; its nice and small so it can fit into any handbag I choose to use, I brought a gorgeous smelly candle for my nice long hot baths that I am going to have instead of booze. Soon I will go and pick my girls up, they have no after school clubs today so I am thinking maybe a nice walk to the lovely cafe on the river for ice creams. BBQ and a very early night tonight.
Yes today is a good day 2
Today I am grateful for:
- Friends who brunch instead of booze
I haven’t been posting, I have been drinking, not stupid amounts and not everyday but enough for me to be back in that shite place, the place that has you feeling exhausted, tired, depressed grumpy, bloated and sad – so very very sad.
I’m still trying to figure out why I drink when I do but in all honesty it could be anything, sometimes it because I’ve been with my kids all day and I just want them to be quite and give me some head space, which then makes me feel like a bad mum which then leads to me drinking to make the voices in my head go away. Sometimes its if I’ve been on my own to long, I’m not working at the moment so my social life is: me, kids, hubby and occasionally a mum at the school gates, I get bored, I go to the pub for a change of scenery. However I am starting a new job very shortly, only 2 days a week but hopefully it’ll give me a bit of social interaction. Sometimes its just a beautiful sunny day and the wine witch pipes up that a glass of wine would be a lovely way to end the day.
When I slip up after long(ish) periods of sobriety I forget how bloody hard the early days are, I just think ‘oh well one slip, straight back on the wagon’ but actually the wine witch has been woken and she is screaming like a banshee, I have to remember the early days of sobriety are bloody hard, whether its after a year of drinking or a day of drinking, you need to batten down the hatches and hold on for dear life just to get though it till you can get to calmer waters.
So day 1 yet again, but this time I’m hunkered down and ready to fight, this is NOT easy but it CAN be done.
Still not exactly sure why it went pear shaped but it did and I need to put plans in place so it won’t happen again and then just get over it. In all honesty I shouldn’t have gone out, I should have immersed myself in a nice deep, hot bath and not moved for a few hours, I should have eaten chocolate and watched shite on TV, but I didn’t, I will next time and now I’m gonna get over it.
So far 2018 has been my best AF year yet, in 2017 I managed sober Jan, drank Feb, sober March, drank April onwards – with bits here and there of sobriety. 2018 so far has been: 163 days – 9 = 154 sober days vs 9 drinking days (these sums are don’t with me counting on my fingers so may be slightly dubious). When I get to the end of the year it will be 365 – 9 = 356 sober days – bring it on!!!!!
I’ve promised myself that when I get to 1 whole year sober I will get a tattoo, I know exactly what I want, its important to me but its also important that I have a goal to work towards.
Shouldn’t have gone to the pub last night, maybe a part of me knew that but I just didn’t feel I could cancel plus I did really want to go, I wanted to be out with friends enjoying myself. I’m not sure why I ended up drinking, maybe a reward for getting through Ireland sober, maybe a reward for the new job, who the fuck knows. I started out with 2 AF beers and a pint of lime and soda, I ended with 2 glasses of wine, not much I know but I’m really disappointed in myself and I feel like shite this morning, its mad a year ago 2 glass of wine and I would have felt as fresh as a daisy the next day, now 2 glasses and I wake with a headache, the thirsts, groggy, blergh stomach, bad taste in mouth, small eyes plus all the feelings of shame and depression – So NOT worth it.
Hmmm so it seems I must not be to good at maths 18 days does not = 3 weeks, I’ll celebrate 3 weeks in 2 days.
I’m just about to head out the door to meet some friends at the pub, I’m driving there, I’m driving home, the pub serves AF beers, I’ve had my dinner so my tummy is full, the kids are coming so it’ll be 2 hours max. In all honesty I’d rather stay at home with my becks blues and chinese takeaway but I’m also very confident I will not be drinking. I don’t need to, I don’t want to.
Day 18 = 3 weeks YAY!
To be honest it feels like it should be longer but I think this is because since the new year I’ve had a total of 7 days drinking, there was a month of start/stop in April and then the 1 day blip 3 weeks ago. I so wanted 2018 to be a totally alcohol free year but if I get to 2019 with only 7 drinking days under my belt I’ll be a very happy lady.