Day 1

I suck, I really really suck at this. It’s 3am in the morning, I’ve been awake the past hour tossing and turning, gulping down water, berating myself for drinking again and again. It’s gone from monthly to weekly to daily, all my day ones feel like crap, all my day twos feel fab – until, I drink – again. I have the tool box with all the tools but either I’m not using them or they’re not working.

I’m off on holiday in 3 days, in the past I’ve managed to go AF on holidays because it makes me feel so much better, I come home feeling all refreshed and happy, I’m scared I won’t make this holiday sober, I’m scared of coming home feeling, tired, grotty and defeated.

I’m so worn out and defeated right now, I need not to drink, I need not to hate myself.

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9 thoughts on “Day 1

  1. Hug
    Those early days are so hard. It’s imposdible to figure out why you do this now. You do it because addiction is compulsive. And sneaky. And convinces is it will be ok, and it’s not. One drink starts to all. That’s why the answer is to have none,
    Do you go to aa? Maybe it would help get you back on track…

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    1. Hi Anne, thank you so much for your reply, I know you are going through a stressful time as well, so big hugs to you too.
      I did try AA in the past, it didn’t really work for me, I’m thinking of trying a SMART meeting when I get back from holiday.
      For now I’m going to post everyday and treat this holiday like a health spa, lots of water, good healthy food, walks and kindness to myself xxx

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      1. Yeah, AA has its own things, but since you are struggling perhaps just going, even if you don’t participate, is a forward moving action.
        An addiction therapist or outpatient program could also be helpful.
        Doing things alone is hard….
        Keep writhing.

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      2. Thanks Anne, I’ve just put myself done for some counselling, not specifically addiction counselling but I’ll see how that goes.
        If I can’t manage this holiday sober (1 month) I promise I’ll try AA again xx

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  2. Please be kind to yourself ❤ I am worried that you are so busy beating yourself up that it is making things worse and causing you to want to reach out for a drink to stop thinking about beating yourself up. Living raw like we are doing while sober can be tough, it can be bloody tough. Hang in there and enjoy your break, let go of the guilt it is not going to change the past, learn from it and look forward to the future.

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    1. Thank you so much for these words, that is exactly what happened, but today is a new day 1 and the first day of the holiday, I have let go of my past and am starting afresh xx

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