Will the real day 1 please stand up….

So after the post 2 days ago I drank for the next two days, not a silly amount but more than I wanted to, It was part peer pressure ‘last day of holidays etc etc’ and part feeling so bloody grotty that a drink felt like the only thing that would make it better, which I know is bullshit but I also just didn’t have the energy to fight it.

Anyways I’m now back home and ready to put my all into it. I had a good night sleep last night in my own bed, had a long hot shower this morning and blew away all the cobwebs, I’ve relaxed and tried to drink loads of water, something I have been sadly lacking doing the past few months which has left me tired and dehydrated. I ordered a takeaway for us all for dinner as I just couldn’t be arsed cooking and am planning on crawling into bed about 8.30pm with my book. I am so looking forward to waking up tomorrow morning hangover free.

I have so many exciting plans coming up in the rest of this year and to fully enjoy them and orchestrate them I need to be present in each day.

Day 1 is finally over.

Day 1 for the zillionth time

I’ve woken at 4am this morning on day 6 of a 1 week holiday, I have drank every night but one. I have the shakes, I feel depressed with my self loathing going through the roof, my eyes are all red, my skin is dry and the taste in my mouth ergh don’t even go there.

I am so so sick and tired of this mentally exhausting roundabout. I did 4 months sober from from October to February, then started again with one simple glass of wine, I honestly don’t know why I started again because I was feeling great, I was exercising, eating healthy, I felt well both mentally and physically. Compare that to today and it’s just madness what I am doing to myself and my body.

Today just has to be day 1, tomorrow I can head home hangover free with my head held high.

Now just to get through today.

Holidays

The holiday is going great, we have had amazing weather, delicious fresh local foods and lots of sea, sand and sun.

I am 11 days into the 1 month holiday, I have unfortunately drank once. It was after the one day we met up with friends at a water park, the park was great fun, fab rides and lots of chaos, it then took us 1.5 hours to get back to our villa, we opted for the quick in/out local pizza restaurant, but the wine pull was just to great, I was tired, hungry, thirsty – all the things that you shouldn’t be when around booze. Anyways I had 3 glasses of wine, slept badly, felt like crap the next day and haven’t touched it since.

Bar that one night I am feeling refreshed, relaxed and well rested.

We have friends arriving in 3 days to stay for a week – must stay strong!!!

Thank you so much to those who have taken the time to post comments of support, it means the world to me.

I am day 2 on holiday, 2 days of no alcohol, I am relaxing, eating well, sleeping very well, drinking lots of water, doing a bit of light exercise, reading loads, laughing and spending quality good times with my family. I can feel my body and soul renewing and recharging.

xxx

Day 1

I suck, I really really suck at this. It’s 3am in the morning, I’ve been awake the past hour tossing and turning, gulping down water, berating myself for drinking again and again. It’s gone from monthly to weekly to daily, all my day ones feel like crap, all my day twos feel fab – until, I drink – again. I have the tool box with all the tools but either I’m not using them or they’re not working.

I’m off on holiday in 3 days, in the past I’ve managed to go AF on holidays because it makes me feel so much better, I come home feeling all refreshed and happy, I’m scared I won’t make this holiday sober, I’m scared of coming home feeling, tired, grotty and defeated.

I’m so worn out and defeated right now, I need not to drink, I need not to hate myself.

Day 5

Still feeling good and optimistic. The days here have been beautiful and sunny, I have spent a lot of them reading, relaxing and walking (apart from today when I cleaned the house from top to bloody bottom), I’m working my way through Annie Grace’s the Naked mind but I prefer books like the sober diaries, the unexpected joy of being sober, Mrs D is going without, Sober is the new black etc, I tend to read these more throughly and not zone out as much.

Now that I have finished cleaning (thank God) I am going to take the dog for a walk and then plonk myself in the sunshine in the back garden, hubby has taken the kids out for the day so I am a free women for 2 more hours (only – sigh).

Day 2

Day 2 is always a good day isn’t it, you feel a new sense of hope, you feel a million times better than day 1 and life just feels better in general – long may it last.

I had a lovely day 2 today, I met a friend for brunch, I had a pedicure – nice bright pink for the summer, I brought a small sparkly notebook that I am going to fill with things to do instead of drink and inspirational quotes; its nice and small so it can fit into any handbag I choose to use, I brought a gorgeous smelly candle for my nice long hot baths that I am going to have instead of booze. Soon I will go and pick my girls up, they have no after school clubs today so I am thinking maybe a nice walk to the lovely cafe on the river for ice creams. BBQ and a very early night tonight.

Yes today is a good day 2

Today I am grateful for:

Pedicurists
Sunshine
Friends who brunch instead of booze

Not posting, yes drinking

I haven’t been posting, I have been drinking, not stupid amounts and not everyday but enough for me to be back in that shite place, the place that has you feeling exhausted, tired, depressed grumpy, bloated and sad – so very very sad.

I’m still trying to figure out why I drink when I do but in all honesty it could be anything, sometimes it because I’ve been with my kids all day and I just want them to be quite and give me some head space, which then makes me feel like a bad mum which then leads to me drinking to make the voices in my head go away. Sometimes its if I’ve been on my own to long, I’m not working at the moment so my social life is: me, kids, hubby and occasionally a mum at the school gates, I get bored, I go to the pub for a change of scenery. However I am starting a new job very shortly, only 2 days a week but hopefully it’ll give me a bit of social interaction. Sometimes its just a beautiful sunny day and the wine witch pipes up that a glass of wine would be a lovely way to end the day.

When I slip up after long(ish) periods of sobriety I forget how bloody hard the early days are, I just think ‘oh well one slip, straight back on the wagon’ but actually the wine witch has been woken and she is screaming like a banshee, I have to remember the early days of sobriety are bloody hard, whether its after a year of drinking or a day of drinking, you need to batten down the hatches and hold on for dear life just to get though it till you can get to calmer waters.

So day 1 yet again, but this time I’m hunkered down and ready to fight, this is NOT easy but it CAN be done.

Day 3

Still not exactly sure why it went pear shaped but it did and I need to put plans in place so it won’t happen again and then just get over it. In all honesty I shouldn’t have gone out, I should have immersed myself in a nice deep, hot bath and not moved for a few hours, I should have eaten chocolate and watched shite on TV, but I didn’t, I will next time and now I’m gonna get over it.

So far 2018 has been my best AF year yet, in 2017 I managed sober Jan, drank Feb, sober March, drank April onwards – with bits here and there of sobriety. 2018 so far has been: 163 days – 9 = 154 sober days vs 9 drinking days (these sums are don’t with me counting on my fingers so may be slightly dubious). When I get to the end of the year it will be 365 – 9 = 356 sober days – bring it on!!!!!

I’ve promised myself that when I get to 1 whole year sober I will get a tattoo, I know exactly what I want, its important to me but its also important that I have a goal to work towards.

Day 1 – sigh

Shouldn’t have gone to the pub last night, maybe a part of me knew that but I just didn’t feel I could cancel plus I did really want to go, I wanted to be out with friends enjoying myself. I’m not sure why I ended up drinking, maybe a reward for getting through Ireland sober, maybe a reward for the new job, who the fuck knows. I started out with 2 AF beers and a pint of lime and soda, I ended with 2 glasses of wine, not much I know but I’m really disappointed in myself and I feel like shite this morning, its mad a year ago 2 glass of wine and I would have felt as fresh as a daisy the next day, now 2 glasses and I wake with a headache, the thirsts, groggy, blergh stomach, bad taste in mouth, small eyes plus all the feelings of shame and depression – So NOT worth it.